Sunday September 10, 2017
Confronting with Love
The Gospel today makes fraternal correction, confronting one who has done wrong sound easy, but it is far from it. The matter of trying to modify the behavior of another which seems destructive is a very difficult and sensitive one. I would like to discuss one aspect of this difficulty today and share how meditation might help.
Once, Fr. Roger Champoux, S.J., the director of a testing and guidance center in Manila, gave a reflection on his experience in his work to the convention of religious superiors. While he as talking mostly about seminarians, from my parish experience with students and families in general, I believe that his observations have more general application. He said, "Frequently we encounter people who are not too happy with their superiors. Quite often we are dealing with an unresolved problem of authority and aggression. Two seeming opposite patters stand out as more frequent: an excess compliance towards people in authority, or an attitude of excessive independence or even rebelliousness. We see some who seem to function quite well but only as long as they are allowed to do their own thing without any interference. Try to bring them into a common task demanding cooperation, and right away the conflicts emerge, sometimes explosively. Compliance and rebelliousness seem opposite - yet, submissiveness breeds resentment, which may come out in the open in the form of explosive anger. We have all had this experience of a meek and quiet person who suddenly becomes red with anger to the surprise of all present. Or of this quiet and humble person, who, when slightly challenged, comes out with the hostile and final statement, 'You do not trust me, you have never trusted me.'
"The following pattern, which we have found among a good number of seminarians through a research done a few years ago, can perhaps throw some light on this problem of authority. This typical pattern has the following ingredients: First a longing for love and acceptance from an understanding but strong father figure. Second a great sensitivity to any attitude of this father figure that is not fully accepting and approving. This reflects a certain defect in the early formation of one's sense of masculine selfhood through identification with a strong and loving father - hence now both the yearning and the accompanying sensitivity. But his puts the superior in a bind: to be good and nice without confrontation: or to hide behind one's authority so as to avoid the tensions of a more realistic and sometimes painful interpersonal encounter. It is not easy for the superior to blend the two: to be both very understanding, and yet to remain challenging when needed."
This situation arises especially in a culture where there is great emphasis on parental authority. Often something is seen as right because authority has said it rather an authority verifying very thoroughly that something is right before saying it. Disagreement is seen as defiance of authority. The normal flexing of muscles that teenagers engage in by challenging their parents is crushed as insubordination. When the normal signs of transition from childhood into adulthood are treated as major sins rather than as being indications of a normal process of growth the results can be most destructive. When demure deference is demanded it may lead to a buildup deep down in the person of deadly anger and defiance.
Fraternal correction in this situation becomes very complicated. Who was most at fault, the parent or the child? Now when a boss at work or a superior in a seminary tries to offer guidance there will be transference of the repressed anger towards the original parent on to the new father figure. And what if the new father figure does not understand this anger and again tries to crush it as insubordination?
The Gospel today says that we should go and talk to the person that is causing the hurt. We should stop talking about the person and talk to the person. There is a risk here and it calls for courage. Often a little honest talking can clear the air.
The spirit in which the confrontation takes place is very important. It must not be done in anger. This would merely be to vent out our passion. It must be done out of loving concern to help the other person and not to appease our own wounded pride or our desire to get even.
If the person does not respond to the private confrontation in love then the Gospel says it is time to get the advice and help of others in the community. This must be done with gentleness and sensitivity for the deep hurts and feelings of all concerned. All too often I have seen well meaning efforts to make enemies shake hands, which causes only more pain because the parties were not yet ready for such a reconciliation.
Now what has prayer - the main concern of this reflection got to do with this process of confronting in love? It has, I think, a great lot to do with disposing towards a positive or negative outcome. As my earlier quote pointed out, behavior that authority disapproves can often be found where a person has moved from the docility of a frightened child into open or hidden defiance. The behavior and the sensitivity that accompanies it is only a symptom of the deeper anger. In this case our traditional ways of prayer would have us ask God to change the other. The supervisor may pray that he will be successful in bringing about a change of heart in the offending one. The offending one may be praying that this oppressive authority will get off his or her back. Both are praying that their own will may be done and they will be successful in fulfilling their own desires.
Meditation, on the other hand, is totally poor before God. It is to be empty and silent without desires of any kind. One cannot continue to be silent and to be dishonest. The silence of meditation may create a space in which the one correcting may become aware of his or her insecurity and the need it produces to control and direct. The person "at fault" may come to see how his or her behavior is a reaction formation, an over reaction to a situation which brings back the hurts experienced in a past situation. With this realization there will be a freedom to look at the situation holistically and reasonably. The person may become free enough to respond rather than to just react to the situation or the confrontation.
The Gospel today tells us "where two or three are gathered in my name, I shall be there with them." I dare to suggest that often when we come together to pray we are not gathered in his name that his will be done but we are gathered in our name that our will be done. On the other hand, when we try to meditate we just be in His presence, without words or desires. We create a space we are better equipped to confront others in a very humble love, and if we are the ones erring to hear the words of loving confrontation with great joy and gratitude.