One
way of assessing where one is on one’s life journey is to ask
oneself what is the scripture story that I find most meaningful at
the present moment. It is better not to think about this but just
to create a space and very quickly a story or phrase or incident will
come to consciousness. Some of the most common stories that emerge
are the Prodigal Son, the Lilies of the Fields, the Annunciation.
When the person reflects on what the story is saying they will find
it interpreting what is currently going on in their own lives. For
example, the Prodigal Son story may link in to an issue of forgiving
another or of being jealous of a sibling. The Annunciation, or the
Lilies of the Fields, may bring up fears of some decision or situation
that persons find themselves in. For 17 wonderfully enriching but
totally frustrating years, I have been trying to say the prayer word
for at least 20 minutes twice a day. Out of that experience, the stories
that float to my consciousness are the temple stories, the pharisee
and the tax collector (Luke 18:9-14), and the widow’s mite (Luke
21:1-4).
Jesus
addresses the first story to some persons fully convinced of their
own righteousness who looked down on others. “Two men went up
to the temple to pray,” he says, “one was a pharisee and
the other a tax collector. The pharisee stood by himself and said:
‘thank you, God, that I am not like other people, grasping,
crooked, adulterous, or even like this tax collector. I fast twice
a week and give the tenth of all my income to the Temple.’ In
the meantime the tax collector, standing far off, would not even lift
his eyes to heaven, but beat his breasts saying: ‘O God, be
merciful to me, a sinner.’ I tell you when this man went down
to his house, he was reconciled with God, but not the other. For whoever
makes himself out to be great will be humbled, and whoever humbles
himself will be great.”
I
think that where this story hits me is that I, and probably most people,
like to have a success story to report to God when I go to pray. Just
as we like to tell others that we are doing well and that we have
many accomplishments, we think that God is expecting the same from
us in our prayer. We live in a world where one has to present one’s
curriculum vitae and where one tries to make it look as impressive
as possible. One tries to be better than the rest of people. This
is precisely what the Pharisee did, “he prayed to himself.”
God does not need to be impressed, but knows who we are already. What
impresses God is not what we show ourselves to be, but the extent
to which we know ourselves as we really are. God can align with us
when we are aware of our own reality: “O God, be merciful to
me a sinner.” But God cannot align with us when we are pretending
to be where we really are not. In practice this means that when I
meditate I have an instinctive need to be successful so that I can
impress God, but what he wants is only a humble acceptance of where
I really am at this time.
If
the first big mistake of the Pharisee was to think that God would
be impressed by his boasting, the second was in his thinking that
he was better than others: “I thank you, God, that I am not
grasping, unjust, adulterous like the rest of people, and particularly
that I am not like this tax collector here.” Madness has been
defined as having a sickness different than everybody else. Sanity
is awareness of our common sickness. Our common sickness is the fear
and insecurity that makes us grasping, controlling and condemnatory
of others. Most of us have a neurotic compulsion which leads us to
believe that when we put others down we will look better ourselves.
To have to proclaim that we are better than others betrays the inner
fear that we are not. But trying to put others down, to elevate ourselves,
is a self-destroying waste of energy. It is like the nervous swimmer
who exerts enormous energy to keep head and shoulders above water.
Confident swimmers will allow themselves to go under and allow just
enough of themselves to appear above water so as to be able to breathe.
I
need the story about the pharisee and the publican to sustain me in
meditation. There is the instinctive need in me to want to be able
to give an impressive account of myself as he did, and to be able
to feel that I am better than others.
When
I started out I hoped that in a short time I would be able to meditate
without distractions for 100% of the allotted time. But most of the
time I find myself realizing at the end of the period that I was distracted
for 99% of the time. Every body else must certainly have been better
than me! But this does not matter at all to God. The thing is to patiently
and humbly offer all that I have to give, the 1%. And the Lord in
his love accepts that humble 1% which is my 100%. Knowing my incapacity
to be successful without claiming credit for myself, God allows me
to give 100% in a way that that will not make me conceited or proud.
