Sunday September 24, 2017
The Green-eyed Monster
A priest friend gave me permission to tell his story. When he was a seminarian back in the 1950's and 1960's he frequently found himself in a gloomy mood. This happened especially when he was on retreat or not busy with other things. He would find himself feeling empty inside, looking at others and wondering if they were talking against him. He often doubted if he belonged and wondered if he should leave the seminary. This continued to happen to him as a priest. He would have these bouts of gloom lasting two to four weeks and then they would lift again. During these times, he would appear normal to others who would not notice that there was anything wrong.
In 1979 he took the Summer Institute of Pastoral Counseling run by Fr. Ruben Tanesco, S.J. at Ateneo de Manila. There he became aware that what he was having were bouts of depression and he discovered that the reason for them was his jealousy. He discovered that because of his poor self-image and fear of being nobody he was always comparing himself with others who seemed to be doing well in the things in which he felt he did badly. He felt jealous of those who were more relaxed, more competent, more gifted. But because he was a priest, a so called "good person" he could not admit to himself or to others that he was jealous. Because he could not admit the feelings his whole affective or feeling system would go askew - exactly what happens when one is depressed. During his course, he became aware of and began to accept his jealousy. He would say to himself, "There you go again you jealous b-!" and since then he assured me he has never again experienced depression.
Jealousy, the green-eyed monster, is one of the most pervasive and destructive vices. It is not a monopoly of any group. Recently, I was able to arrange for some trustee prisoners to work on a construction job so as to be able to earn something to help their families. Within a few days the Governor got a phone call complaining about their being allowed to work outside the prison. It later transpired that the call was made by another prisoner who was jealous of them.
However, jealousy is especially the vice of so called 'good people.' They do not indulge in stealing or killing or sexual misbehavior, so they think that they are deserving of special stroking from the Lord. They become very sensitive to who is and who is not getting that stroking. A loving and sacrificing daughter is looking after her old mother. On Christmas day her mother will not eat as she waits for a phone call from another daughter who is married in the United States. The daughter caring for her mother gets madly jealous that her mother gives such importance to the other daughter who has had the best of everything in life, as she sees it, while she has sacrificed so many things to serve her mother and does not get a word of thanks. The scene is similar to the story of the elder brother in the parable of the prodigal son. He is angry and jealous that his father can welcome and forgive the son who was not good like him.
There was a Señora in one of the parishes in which I was stationed who was famous for her generosity. All was well till she heard that another Señora was equally generous!
Jealousy is the issue in the Gospel today. It is jealousy which arises as a result of God's unlimited generosity. The laborers who had worked in the vineyard from the early morning were the Israelites, the descendants of Abraham and Isaac. Those who worked for the final hour were the latecomers, the non-Jews or Gentiles now being accepted into the church.
The church of Matthew's time was having a lot of trouble because the Jewish Christians found it hard to accept that the Gentiles could be promised the same rewards as they expected to get. So Matthew tells this story of God's incredible and uncontrollable generosity. The master gives the same reward to the latest comers as he gives to those who had worked all day. This makes those who had worked longest feel very jealous and angry. The point being made is that we must not be trying to limit God's generosity and determine who are deserving of it.
This is still a prevalent attitude. We think we deserve God's goodness because of our goodness and our prayer. We are jealous when others who do not seem to be as good as us or to pray as much as us have good fortune. We often rejoice in hearing of the misfortunes of others who seem to be better than us. Because of our poor self images we are ever wasting our energies in comparing ourselves with others instead of pausing to count the wonderful blessings that we have most definitely received. We are like a swimmer who is struggling to keep his head and shoulders above the water because of his fear. Of course, the wisest and less exhausting thing for him to do would be to keep as much as possible under water letting only his nose emerge to breathe from time to time.
One of the difficulties about the traditional ways of describing prayer in stages, or as mansions, is that it may cause us to be self-consciously looking at what stage we are in. If we see prayer as climbing a ladder we will be self-consciously observing where we are on the ladder. John Main used to be amused by the brochures brought out by some schools of spirituality in which they gave beginner, advanced and more advanced courses. The Spirit cannot be possessed, quantified, or measured and so the presence of the Spirit cannot be packaged for a consumer market. The remarkable thing about Christian meditation - the practice of saying the mantra or prayer word for 20 to 30 minutes twice a day is that it is so simple and so difficult. It is so simple that anyone can do it and yet it is so difficult that nobody can do it, in the sense of doing it for long without distraction. Meditation is a humbling way of prayer, a way of prayer in which there is a letting go of all desires, even the desire to pray well or to possess God. As the desire to be better than others is the root of jealousy, the abandonment of desire is its antidote. Freedom from jealousy is a great freedom. It can be a release from competitiveness with the outside world and from depression within us.
